Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
a god among men
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves