@iwearaonesie: MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I'M IN A GANG NOW
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@QwertyJones3: Doctor: It's been weeks since we restored your vision. Thoughts? "I can't believe that British guy from the Geico commercials is a lizard."
@GoldenSpirals: Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
@Just_Lee_: The neighbor's dog has barked non stop for three hours. And now I know how the Chinese first discovered that dogs make a tasty snack.
@joejwest: COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus? ME: No COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier ME: Thanks COP: Why is it wet? ME: Um COP: And holding 8 guns?