@iwearaonesie: MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I'M IN A GANG NOW
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@Brampersandon_: [pharmacy] "Can I help you?" Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this? *lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
@The_JRM: 5yo: [crying] I teddy at home! He'll be sad that I abandoned them! Me: Want to call him & apologize? 5: You don't have his phone number.
@verycleverruse: Me: this doesn't seem right Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists M: yeah D: im the one *he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*