MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
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Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
The Joker was right
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.