MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
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I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.