MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh