Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
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App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Great Canadian literature.
How your email finds me
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.