Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
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“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”