Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
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With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Doug is just Canadian for dog
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.