Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
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Don’t snitch tag.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.