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@anbrll00: Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
@LisaMcAlister1: Waitress: "Hi, my nam-"
Me: "Vodka martini, please."
@ThingsJackDigs: Chainsaws: because "The Texas Weed-whacker Massacre" just wasn't scary enough
@kayleighpuget: "Am I the only one who-?"
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you're not the only one.
@Reverend_Scott: JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you're free to go.
@CaniacMONK: "Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?"
*Pulls out smart car