@anbrll00: Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
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@AdmiralAkbrown: "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" "Oh look, it's sleeping!" -every trip to the zoo, ever
@nayomeewallace: When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.
@JPHaddadio: Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.