Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
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Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Yes
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY