Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
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Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
adam and eve had first world problems
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.