@baconacid: Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
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@abhorrent_wife: I won't believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I've seen he's put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
@SCbchbum: If horror movies have taught me anything, it's lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as "mother" or "father."
@SICKOFWOLVES: PLEASE SEND HELP I STOPPED BUYING AVOCADOS AND NOW I AM DROWNING IN COINS AND KEYS TO VARIOUS PROPERTIES I OWN OH GOD IS THIS HOW I DIE
@VikeeysSecret: Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone. I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.