Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.