Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
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my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.