Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
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Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
When libraries troll their patrons.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.