The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Feel. He’s so soft.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Time heals everything 🙂
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL