KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
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Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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