Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
You Might Also Like
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.