My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
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JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I鈥檓 going to collect all the money people owe me before it鈥檚 too late.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who鈥檚 your favorite serial killer?
HER: I鈥檓 calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who鈥檚 your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Wife: I鈥檓 thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 馃拃
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
It鈥檚 embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Can鈥檛, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can鈥檛 handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I鈥檓 so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Try and stop me.
The point of your 20s