Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
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If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.