Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date