Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
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A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]