MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
You Might Also Like
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!