mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
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What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
how much for the angry fruit?
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub