Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
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I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.