Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
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[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
What flavor cupcake are these
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.