Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
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Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Holy moly
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats