Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.