Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I believe the plural is “milves.”
the three genders
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.