Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling