Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
me after drinking all the wine:
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”