It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
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[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My dog ate my work from home.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.