Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
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I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Schrödinger’s cookie
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops