mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
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FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.