i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
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Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*