Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
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Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
True
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet