Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
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You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.