Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
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some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]