This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
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Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.