Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
You better watch out
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…