Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
You Might Also Like
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer