For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.