Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.