MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
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Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Okay me first
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.