Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
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As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Do one person every day that scares you.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.