Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
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Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
A man of commitment.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Netflix and awkward silence?
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example