@JohnLyonTweets: Mom, you're embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
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@killlmefam: *On Ellen* ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die ME: haha yeah sometimes *Death appears, sneaks up behind me* ME: omg ellen you didnt
@Metalligretch: Yelling "wooooo" when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
@NoticablyBacon: Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex