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@JohnLyonTweets: Mom, you're embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
@AnkCoupleTO: [doing crossword]
Me: I'm looking for a word that means slight pause
Me: *erasing 'our sex life'* thanks
@DTelf: Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
@schumyxxx: When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for two?", I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see her too?".
@ericONEderful: Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
@duplicitron: I choose what country to visit each year by the shape of the first chicken nugget I eat.