@chrissyteigen: Mom ?
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@ericsshadow: One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who's in charge.
@juicymorsel: I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
@DanMentos: *sees cute girl on sidewalk* nice *she makes eye contact* oh wow *she smiles* is this happening *she’s holding a clipboard* god dammit