@chrissyteigen: Mom ?
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@rockymomax: ME: someone stole my credit card number BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand? ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn't them
@cbdoubleu: Well, I've got to hand it to you. -Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.
@sophielou: If you are ever out in public and you see misbehaved kids running around - start running with them it really brings the nonsense to a halt.
@Amusitr0n: *bullies advance* STOP! Im a black belt in Shaq Fu! <laughter> *detectives arrive* Jesus, were these heads slam-dunked? Where r the bodies?