[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
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I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.