[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
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Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.