[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
You Might Also Like
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much